fuck me sideways and dig my hear out with a spoon

 

i hate my life,  my painful uncontrollable life. the strife that i feel – caused by one thing after another and another.

I feel lost and floating. Unable to navigate the murky waters that I float on –listlessly and without direction or distinction.

I do not work. I do not play. I do not have a desire to do so on most days. I simply exist. day in and day out. breathing. but not living.

I smile and I joke. I laugh and and put on a pretty face. Pretending. Always pretending. Hoping to one day be somewhere, someone, with something that I don’t have to hide all I am from.

I am broken. Inside and out. Falling apart at the seams faster then I can patch them together. The inner turmoil that fills my days is overwhelming. Chokingly so. Unbearably so.

To make the choice. The life and death decision that rests on my shoulders. I do not want this responsibility. This god awful pressure to know when to go. When to stay. What is right or wrong on any given day.

 

I fail. Miserably. Obviously. Continuously. I cannot seem to hold myself together. To free myself from this oppressive cloud that is my fate. The never ending fear has taken over my life – my world both sleeping and awake.

The nightmares never end. They just continue. I hear it will be fine. So they say. I will survive. I will make it. I will be able to continue on. To make the choice. To live. But what if I cant?

What if the pressure becomes so unbearable that I just pop. I stop fighting. Stop pretending. Stop everything. Just curl up in a ball and never again move.

I cant deal with him leaving. I wont. I refuse. There is nothing that will make this pain go away. I wake up every morning just for his face. I plan my days around his love, his grace.

He has heard every secret. Every dream and every fear. He has been my best friend, my saviour, my child and my one love for longer then I care to say..

But it is not long enough. Not even close to being long enough. I need him now more then ever,. Doesn’t he know? Doesn’t he care? Doesn’t God or whomever is supposed to be out there. Orchestrating this disaster. This comedy of errors.

I don’t want to live without him by my side. His face never judging. His eyes always understanding. His cuddles – the closest I can get to complete unconditional love.

He is leaving. Slowly but surely they say. He is terminal. He has an expiry date and they have pointed it out. Made it clear that it is coming. That soon he will have to be tossed aside like spoiled milk. Drained. Rinsed. Gone.

 

I cannot live through this. I need him more then ever. Why doesn’t anyone understand.

Please don’t leave me. I will no longer complain about hair on my clothes. The price of food. The chore of cleaning you up, or up after you. The responsibility of   your care is not a burden. Not something I want to lose. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

You look at me with those eyes. Those sad sad eyes. You know what’s happening. I know that you do. You don’t want to leave as much as I want you to stay. Right? This is the right thing to do.

You need me as much as I need you. I know this. I just hope I will one day be strong enough. Strong enough to love you as much as you have loved me all these years.

I don’t want you to go. Is this selfish. Perhaps. But without you a major part of me will die. Possibly the only part that is still striving to be alive. The only part that can smile, that can laugh. Part of me will leave if you go.

I just cant.

I love you too much. But not enough. Not yet. But Ill work on it if you’ll stay just a little bit longer.

you mean the world to me.

I love you Nickel.

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