So. It begins. The beginning of the end…

I was so scared to tell her I was moving. To let her know that I was making a choice for myself. Not for anyone else. Turns out I was right to be scared. Right to be worried.

Moments after I sent that email – She responded with good luck. You owe me money.

Okay. I owe you 100. You want an extra 50 for driving me home? After was able to get a ride for free, and you convinced me to stay until the next day where you would have a boy drive me? Fine. I will pay you the 50.

You are so cold. So held back. I know you are hurting about this as much as I am . There is no way you couldn’t care. Besides – I know you. You are my friend, one of my best… I know there is a way you react when you feel threatened or hurt. I know you push people away. Lash out. Try and make them hurt as much as you do. It’s not okay.. but I can understand it.

And yes – I expected this. I knew – KNEW – that there was a 99% chance of the reaction being such. Being asked to return everything that might have been lent. Pay you money. Having you request everything so that you can “break” ties.

You want the few books I might have back – Sure.. I’ll look for them.
You want the supplies you gave me for displaying jewellery? Sure. No problem. I will give them to the boys when they come by.

You want the bedroom set you said I could have because you didn’t want it? To save it from being sold off by your mother? I’ll do that too.

You can take all the material stuff you want back. Not thing things you gave as real honest to god gifts though. (I know how you feel about people wanting to give stuff like that back).

It won’t change anything. I will still be here – waiting for you to not be mad or hurt anymore. I will get past my hurt, disappointment, abandonment feelings – and I will still care about you. You could never speak to me again… and I would still think of you every day. You may not want anything to do with me right now.. and that is okay… But I will still be caring about you – even when you try and cut every piece out.

I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you feel that our friendship was one-sided. That I used(??really you feel I was only using you???) you for what I could get out of you. To feel and believe that of everyone must be exhausting. And painful. No matter what you believe now – I never tried to use you. I never wanted you because you had money, were nice to me… anything like that. I liked you because *I LIKED YOU*.

I wanted to be your friend from the first time I met you. Sucks that because I cared about you, and am now moving away – it means I used you.

So…

I will give your stuff back. I will find a way to pay you back . I will take a step back, let you be. Hopefully one day you will forgive me and we could be friends again. In a way that isn’t me keeping the candle light in the window. It sucks… maybe this will help you too.

You were what was keeping me here… but that isn’t right either. To stay somewhere, go somewhere, do something… because you are scared of losing or hurting someone… isn’t healthy. I finally want to try for what *I* want. The only person who wasn’t okay with me making a choice for me – no matter what – was you. I’m sorry that being in your house so you could move away wasn’t enough. I’m sorry that me trying to be happy – makes you feel hurt and sad. I’m sorry.

Whether you care or not… I still do. And I will miss you. Every day. But .. I am still going. I want to start a life for me. With no one telling me what to do.  Not mom, not dad, not Oma, not even you.

Hopefully you will one day stop hurting  and I won’t have to keep the candle lit. Hopefully ….

xxooxx

Home.

It’s been a while. A long while. I don’t know where I am going. Or where I am. It hurts. More then it should. To be lost. To be floating. To… not know which way to turn. Do I stay? Do I go? How do I know which choice is right? Which will bring me the longest happiness?

To stay. To be with a friend I desperately love and admire. To be able to support her, be around her, be there for her. To be able to show her, and tell her every day how much she matters. Not just to me – but in general. Even if she is going away. Even if I had a conversation with her where I feel… uncomfortable. I don’t know if I want to get into what was said. I don’t know if I can do that emotional surgery all over. I have spent two days and countless hours going over and over the conversation in my head. Trying to interpret it different. Trying to find a way where what was said… wasn’t said like that. Find a way where I am the end result, the icing on the cake- not the tool to help with the preparation  and baking.

Yet I know. I know how much relationships matter. How *I* would see the same situation. I mean… 2.5 years ago when she said she was leaving, I had a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store. It was so bad my vision went black, I had to put my head between my legs, then run to the bathroom because I was going to throw up. That was also the day I realized that I couldn’t keep fooling myself that I was okay. That just because I ignore my mental illness, doesn’t make it gone. If I pretend the panic attacks are just me being irrational. That I don’t need those meds I so recently came off of. That I was fine. What a lie I kept telling myself. And it took hearing that my one lifeline and safety net was probably leaving to make me take a hard look at my life. I looked for a new psychiatrist. One I didn’t fell I had to lie to. I got help. I got disability. All because I was terrified that she would leave me.

Now the shoe is on the other foot. I am the one contemplating leaving. Yet… she is too. She told me as much – that if I lived there, she would feel better about moving away. Same situation for me. The panic. The fear. The need to find a new safety net. One that wouldn’t leave.

I feel like I am doing the same to her though. Making her be the one feeling abandoned. Left. Alone. I don’t mean to. I really don’t. I want to do what I can to make her life happier and better. To continuously show her how much she matters to me. That she stay alive and around. But… me going there – knowing that she wants to go as soon as she can… I… can’t. The uncertainty of it makes me want to throw up. If I knew she would never go, that it was all talk, that she was whistling in the dark – it would make things so different. But I don’t know that. I know how much she wants this. To move there. To get away. How serious the chance is. When there was no chance of either house selling… it was safe. The possibility was there but not yet tangible. A shadow on the outskirts of my vision, able to be ignored.

The house is selling. She finds out for sure on the 12th. I don’t have until the 12th. I have until the 31st at noon. And the safety of her being there is no longer a sure thing. It no longer feels safe to go where I may again be facing being alone right away. I don’t have a friendship with the boys that way. I don’t have a friendship like the one with her in this province. Hell… anywhere. It is different then other friendships… but somehow, has become more real. Which makes the idea that there is even the slightest possibility of her not being there unacceptable. Without her.. I will be truly alone out here.

I know she thinks I am being pressured. And I was. Then I went there for Christmas. I tore a strip out of my family for making me choose. For making my life harder then it had to be. For using my mental illness against me. They didn’t know how to deal with that either. The fact I felt that way. That they were manipulating me. They thought they were being helpful. Stupidheads. They agreed to try to no longer demand, cry, beg for me to make a decision in their favour. (Let’s face it… force of habit is hard to break). They have though.. backed off. They still try and pressure me, only now it is to be close to someone I can lean on. Anyone. Somewhere where I will have support and be happy for then next however many years. A place I can put roots down in.

My mom – actually said that. That she doesn’t care where I live, who I live with, as long as I have support and I am happy. Hearing her say that made me cry. Funny thing is my dad said the same thing. Not the same words.. just that he wants me to be happy. The only one who is really begging me to go anywhere is Dexter. We have always been kind of close… and I know that being a teenager in my mother’s household is stressful.

So – The pressure I have been getting is from her. Which is different and new. Kind of. There has always been the suggestion that I move there – but it was easier to brush aside when I didn’t have to make a choice.

I don’t know if the reasons she is now giving though are the right ones. For her, or for me. I am not a placeholder. I am no longer willing to be there – just because it would make someone else’s life easier.

So I am contemplating moving to BC. NOT because of my mom (though the fact that she has a tumour doesn’t help), not because my Oma is kind of going senile, not because my brother wants me too.

I have done a LOT of soul searching since leaving Jamie. Not so much about who I want to live with… but WHERE I want to live and the whys of it. Not because of who I may hurt if I don’t go their way… but of where I would be happiest overall. I never made any claims to love Saskatchewan. It can be pretty, and living in Imperial was an amazing dream. But the winter. The flatness. The bigoted people. I didn’t like that. The reason I chose to stay??? Was because it was right smack dab in-between my parents. I couldn’t offend anyone by being right in the middle. I wasn’t making a choice. I was making a lack of choice. Same reason I didn’t leave Saskatoon – it was easier to stay and be with Jamie.

Let me say something I recently discovered.

Where I want to live:

I want to live in a remote, tiny place by myself with my dog and my cat. Somewhere beside a lake where I can see the mountains. I want to not worry all the time about running into someone I had a falling out with.  I want to be able to sit outside in the sun and read a book – without bugging anyone – more days then I spend inside hiding from the cold. A place where I won’t feel in debt to anyone but myself.

I want to be safe. Free. Warm. Happy.

Have you seen the mountains? The forests that run along the edges of frothing rivers, trickling streams, and lakes so blue they look green? The sunset over rolling hills, the purples and pinks exploding from behind snow capped peaks. Wild tulips showering bright patches of colour (because some idiot can’t garden). To find the hidden waterfalls. The “lookout spots” made my years of teenage feet steeling away into the bushes – making trails through the brush. Letting you know that you are not alone in your love of the land. That other’s find this little piece of the universe worth sneaking into to steal memories.

I don’t want to lose friends.. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to leave anyone. To be honest… I would be quite happy right now being a hermit – not near my mom, dad, brothers, etc. As long as I had the mountains and the magic.

I don’t know if I could  be truly happy staying here. I’m scared that if I stay – I will be always looking to find a way out. Having settled myself because I was resigned I was not going on. I don’t know if I will be happy in Kelowna, Vernon, Armstrong.  I don’t know if I would be happy in Ontario, or Saskatchewan either. For the first time in YEARS – going to BC to visit felt like coming home. I had always looked so hard for that feeling. At my dads, with Jamie, at Syl’s, when visiting my mom. I got glimpses of it – but it wasn’t HOME. This time… it wasn’t at mom’s that I felt it. It wasn’t with my brothers. It wasn’t even with Desiree. It happened when I was alone. The snow was glistening off the treetops, the moon was rising over the mountains. The contentment… seeing those mountains, those trees, those stars… THAT was home. That wild, yet tamed magic. That childhood peace that came over me. That’s when I started questioning everything.

I don’t want to live with my mom. I don’t want to live with anyone really. I don’t want another relationship. I don’t want much. I want that though. That peace. That beauty. That silence. That place where I don’t have to be scared of just being me.

 

That is what I am searching for. That is what I am willing to leave familiar and known for. That feeling… is worth leaving the security of my current situation. The unknown money aspect. The unknown living aspect. Dealing with family. That one moment of pure happiness. That is where I want to live. Which is why I need to move. I think to BC. For now. I’m hoping that by the time I die – I will have found a way to always carry that magic with me. Until I do… I have to be able to look out my window and see it.

I’m so sorry. I love you. I don’t want to hurt you. I am not abandoning you and am sorry you feel that way. But this is for me. Not for anyone else. Not because of anyone else. This. is. finally. for. ME.

 

-R

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 35 other followers