how do I do it?

 

How do you make this choice? How do you make a decision that is going to hurt you beyond belief. He looks so happy. I know he is sick, but how do you do make that distinction between the love he has for you, and the suffering he is doing because of the love he has for you.

He still chases his ball. He still licks my face and showers me with kisses. He eats carrots faster then he can get them. His eyes… they look at me. With love. With pain. With knowledge. He knows. He accepts.

I cannot accept it. I cannot live with this choice. My baby. My boy. How do I CHOOSE to say goodbye before I am ready.

His kidneys. They are slowly killing him. He is deteriorating from the  inside out. Slowly dying of his bodies cells and their lack of water.

He smiles. He sighs. He can’t… survive. He cant… get better. Its just a matter of time.

“..At home, naturally would he horrific, and hard for you…” – “Its better to do it, calm. before hurting. “

do i say goodbye. Do I let him go while he still has that smile. That life still in his eyes. But he knows… Goddess he knows.

He has known for weeks, months even. He has slowly been trying to tell me. To let me understand. To let me grapple with my fears, my denial. I still am not ready. I am still not convinced.

I still need him.

I am horrible. Selfish. Cruel even. But for just a little bit longer, just a little bit more… I need him.

Political Rantiness

I feel that What I do to my own body, in my OWN house, of my OWN consent should not be the concern of anyone else, ANYWHERE. Not government, not religious people, not non religious people… As long as what I am doing HARMS NONE (baring the other thing that I have a strong gah about) Consent is all that should matter. If I want to be a polygamist, a polyamouros person, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, homosexual or heterosexual it should not be anyone else’s business. That said – one should not feel like they have to hide who they are. If a gay couple is walking down the street holding hands is blatantly flaunting their sexuality in peoples faces – then what is it that a hetero couple is doing? People should be able to walk hand in hand with who they choose – and as many consenting partners as they choose to do it with…. GAH!@! /endrantonFB

 

 

I believe in Pro- LOVE. Fuck. I am so disgusted lately with what I see in the media- what I hear on the news – I just… I feel so strongly about so many things that some SOME conservatives or fundamentalist of some ilk or another might have issues with.

 

Gay Rights – I believe that a person should be allowed to love whomever they want regardless of gender, race or religion.

The multifamily household – for centuries this has been happening in cultures around the world and it is only in the last few hundred years that people have gotten theirs heads so far up their own asses that they cannot help but spew bullshit about how wrong and impossible it is to love more then one person. I love more then one person. I even love more then one person in more then one way…. I can and do feel romantic love, familiar love, circumstantial love – with more then one person, and ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME!

 

As long as you are a consenting adult – with other consenting adults I do not see the issue with being in an open/poly/polygamist/homosexual or heterosexual normal or ABNORMAL relationship.

 

(Normal being defined by the standards that society places on itself to conform to present standards that are often out-dated, inane and useless)

 

If a man (or WOMAN) wants to marry more then one person and it is FINANCIALLY and EMOTIONALLY viable for all involved – who the fucks business is it but the people involved.

 

For example – the Brown family on Sister Wives – risked it all to come out to the world about who they are and what they believe and practice. Then they are persecuted. Fuck that. The United States prides itself on freedom of religion yet will not allow people to practice their religion – in their own HOME – because some fucked up politician lobbied for a law way back then. I am not saying that theoretically the laws may protect those that are preyed upon and whom are underage and forced into those types of lives. This is not how the Brown Family lives, nor how I feel strongly for and get all riled up for. It is the consenting adults, the ones who weigh the pros and the cons, and still chose to live a life they believe in that I am so proud of and so angry for.

 

Watching, reading, listening to how much of a screwed up, horrid world we live in has made me want to win the lotto. Then I would buy my own little island, make it the country of misfit toys- and then invite those whom are willing to live in a society free of bigotry and judgements. Where you could have multiple marriage partners. You could be homosexual, heterosexual or pansexual and no one would blink twice. You could get decretive or religious scarification or brandings on your body (illegal where I live apparently) and as long as you were consenting… no one would stop you.

 

More and more in my *cough* Old Age – I am finding the saying of my dear friend to be one I openly and honestly agree with.

 

“Keep your Laws OFF my body”  – its mine. I consent. I agree. I love. I live. I hurt no one. Leave me the FUCK ALONE. GAHHHH!!

fuck me sideways and dig my hear out with a spoon

 

i hate my life,  my painful uncontrollable life. the strife that i feel – caused by one thing after another and another.

I feel lost and floating. Unable to navigate the murky waters that I float on –listlessly and without direction or distinction.

I do not work. I do not play. I do not have a desire to do so on most days. I simply exist. day in and day out. breathing. but not living.

I smile and I joke. I laugh and and put on a pretty face. Pretending. Always pretending. Hoping to one day be somewhere, someone, with something that I don’t have to hide all I am from.

I am broken. Inside and out. Falling apart at the seams faster then I can patch them together. The inner turmoil that fills my days is overwhelming. Chokingly so. Unbearably so.

To make the choice. The life and death decision that rests on my shoulders. I do not want this responsibility. This god awful pressure to know when to go. When to stay. What is right or wrong on any given day.

 

I fail. Miserably. Obviously. Continuously. I cannot seem to hold myself together. To free myself from this oppressive cloud that is my fate. The never ending fear has taken over my life – my world both sleeping and awake.

The nightmares never end. They just continue. I hear it will be fine. So they say. I will survive. I will make it. I will be able to continue on. To make the choice. To live. But what if I cant?

What if the pressure becomes so unbearable that I just pop. I stop fighting. Stop pretending. Stop everything. Just curl up in a ball and never again move.

I cant deal with him leaving. I wont. I refuse. There is nothing that will make this pain go away. I wake up every morning just for his face. I plan my days around his love, his grace.

He has heard every secret. Every dream and every fear. He has been my best friend, my saviour, my child and my one love for longer then I care to say..

But it is not long enough. Not even close to being long enough. I need him now more then ever,. Doesn’t he know? Doesn’t he care? Doesn’t God or whomever is supposed to be out there. Orchestrating this disaster. This comedy of errors.

I don’t want to live without him by my side. His face never judging. His eyes always understanding. His cuddles – the closest I can get to complete unconditional love.

He is leaving. Slowly but surely they say. He is terminal. He has an expiry date and they have pointed it out. Made it clear that it is coming. That soon he will have to be tossed aside like spoiled milk. Drained. Rinsed. Gone.

 

I cannot live through this. I need him more then ever. Why doesn’t anyone understand.

Please don’t leave me. I will no longer complain about hair on my clothes. The price of food. The chore of cleaning you up, or up after you. The responsibility of   your care is not a burden. Not something I want to lose. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

You look at me with those eyes. Those sad sad eyes. You know what’s happening. I know that you do. You don’t want to leave as much as I want you to stay. Right? This is the right thing to do.

You need me as much as I need you. I know this. I just hope I will one day be strong enough. Strong enough to love you as much as you have loved me all these years.

I don’t want you to go. Is this selfish. Perhaps. But without you a major part of me will die. Possibly the only part that is still striving to be alive. The only part that can smile, that can laugh. Part of me will leave if you go.

I just cant.

I love you too much. But not enough. Not yet. But Ill work on it if you’ll stay just a little bit longer.

you mean the world to me.

I love you Nickel.

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