Day 10 – 1 confession

My confession. Its turning out to be harder then I thought. I’ve thought it over, and over and over. Ive written it in my head many times. I keep forgetting to actually write it down though.

Here it goes…

I have a mental illness. Well technically a few of them. They are not something I am ashamed of.(I don’t think…) I just don’t go yelling from the rooftops. Some days are better then others. Hell, some years are better then others.

It effects every part of my life. My social interactions, my work (or non work) environment. Its just who I am.

There are times where I don’t leave the house for days on end. Times where I don’t sleep. Times where everything I see makes me cry or scream in anger. I live in constant fear that I will never get better. Constant fear that what I have, WHO I am – will never measure up. That people will find out, not understand and judge. If they just asked… if they were just willing to get to know ME…

Every day is a battle. Somedays I win. Somedays I lose. Most days I just survive. Sometimes my anxiaty is so bad I can’t breathe, the walls close in and I just want to run. Days go by where I am so depressed I just want to give up. Then there are the times where everything is fine… life is normal, days go on.

I would never be able to get by without the small support network I have. Desiree. My mom. Jamie. Syl. My brothers. Each of these people I lean on, each of these people are willing to support me. I couldn’t do it without them.

So my confession is this:

My name is Robyn. I am broken. Apparently it is not fixable. I am still here. Still fighting. Still the same person I was yesterday. I have a mental illness. But I am not my mental illness.


Day 9 – Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

Day 9 – Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

Image 1 – A girl, trapped in a black cage. Cold and alone. The demons that surround her laugh, mock, and taunt. She huddles in the furthest corner, whispering to herself that it will all be ok. Desperate to believe that she can survive, that she can get free. Knowing that no one knows she is there…

Image 2 – A beautiful woman. Dressed in white flowing clothing. A sword at her hip. She sits astride a magnificent white stallion, whose hooves glow with light. They stand, tall and straight at the entrance to the abyss, gathering courage. Just a speck of light, facing a vast blanket of darkness. A darkness that has no end in sight. She raises up her sword,screaming out an echoing battle-call as they charge into the oppressing dark.

I am both the girl, and the woman. The demons and the steed. The dark and the light. Ever in constant battle.

Day 8 – Three turn-ons.

1. That personality. The one that oozes sexuality, confidence and sadistic humour. Narsissism and some sociopathic tendancies fit into here as well. Knowing that you are all that and yet not caring if other people know? HOT. How do I know it is hot? Ive met it. *drools*

2. A wicked sense of humour. Being able to laugh at the weird and macabre means you will fit just fine into my reality. Not taking things too seriously and finding the pleasure in the small stuff.

3. A kind soul. Im a bit of a sterotype in that way. I am attracted to those who (even if they happen to be narsissistic), are spontaneously kind –  for no other reason then it makes them happy to do so

Day 7 – 4 turn offs

1. Lies. Lies are the bane of my existence. The issue being is I have a hard time knowing what is what, and tend to believe everyone/thing at face value. Im weak. Deal with it.

2. Obnoxious body odor. Either the bad kind, or the kind that smells like someone is marinating in stench.

3. Not being clear about what you want/need. If I am not it – please tell me. Don’t lead me on and let me believe something that is not. Also – if you have something on your mind.. tell me. Otherwise how will I know what you need?

4. Being depressed. Honestly. Being depressed is not sexy. Believe you me.*wink*

Day 5./6 – 6 Things you wish you’d never done and 5 people who matter a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Doing 5 and 6 today as I was out last night and didn’t do it during the day.

Writing about six things that I wish I had never done is hard. There aren’t many things that I regret. As a rule I try not to regret the choices I make as : 1. I made the fucking choice and 2. Each decision has made me who I am today. And I think I am ok with that.

Here are six things that (a -la @Eden_Apocalypse) once chosen helped form me into the person I am today.

1. Becoming friends with one D.S.W. If she hadn’t volunteered to show me around the school that fateful day in Mrs.Zigglar’s class – I don’t know where I would be. Certainly a crap load of experiences lighter and a whole lot less well earned common sense.

2. Asking for help. If I hadn’t done that.. I seriously doubt I would be here.

3. Bean. Getting our parents to date was brilliant and faulty. But for better or worse our lives were entwined for 10 or so years.

4. Immaculata. The best decision mom and I could have made for my sanity and my academic life. My saving grace in a time of great turmoil and uncertainty.

5. Nickel. 7 beautiful years full of companionship, comfort and unconditional love. Probably one of the best choices I have ever made.

6. Applying to BCIT. If I hadn’t gone out of my comfort zone to try and follow my dreams, not one bit of who I am now would be valid. I would probably still be living at home and not have experienced near as much heartache or half as much joy. None of my friends now would have ever known I existed and I would not be finally moving towards where I need to be. (I am not saying I wouldn’t be at that place already, just that I am finally headed in the right direction)

Day 6 – Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

3. Mom/Dad
4. Colin /Dexter
5. JAP

(So I cheated a bit. Sue me.)

Day 4 – Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

I promised myself I would be honest with all of these questions.. so here goes

1. I wish I looked more like her/that/them

2. Am I good enough? Do “they” honestly love me/like me? Am I sure? What if they don’t? Am I enough? Will I ever be enough?

3. GODDAMN I LOOK LIKE A MAN! *sigh* ( I have always felt I have a really masculine visage. It depresses me sometimes)

4. Where IS he? I swear I JUST talked to him a minute ago….

5. I miss you so much. Why’d you have to go and get sick? Please come back.

6. I’m hungry – interchangeable with – I’m tired.

7. Will I ever be better? Is there some sort of magical concoction that I need to find in order to get to where I need to be? Why is this so hard?

8. I want babies. I want to be a mommy. Please gods let me become a mommy. Just once. Just one time I would like to be able to run through the entire gambit of conception to age 49.5 of having a child (and even farther). Its not asking for much is it? The chance to have one child? People do it all the time why can’t I? Please?

Day 3 – 8 ways to win your heart

1. Tell me how much I matter to you and how much you enjoy my company.

2. The little things are important. A touch, a smile – having you reach over and take my hand like it is natural. Pet names are good too. Being called something special that you don’t mind others overhearing.

3. Be good with kids. There is something that just melts me to pieces when I see someone playing with kids – especially if they are not their own and they don’t have any. The innocence that comes forth from playtime with a child is priceless. Also I think it is some sorta mothering instinct.

4. Be considerate of others. Not just those you know, but the little old lady struggling to load her groceries into her car. The person on the bus who has a disability and only wants to share with you the wonder of their world. The child that has looked up and cannot find a parent – panicking and crying in fear. Even just noticing that these people exist is a big thing.

5. Be able to laugh at yourself and at situations outside of your control. Being able to find humour in what would otherwise be frustrating or stressful is important.

6. Be supportive of me. If I am having a bad day – take notice. Don’t take my crap but acknowledge that I am there and that you see me. If I am sad – offer to hug me or just listen to me vent. Let me know that even on days when I don’t want to talk you are still there for me.

7. Have the ability to act care-free. I will admit that I enjoy what others might call childish… but the pleasure I get from doing things – colouring, going to the zoo, watching a kids movie – is something that can be shared. Just because we grew up doesn’t mean we have to be old.

8. Be honest. Be honest about yourself, your feelings (or lack of them) and be honest about me. Don’t be afraid to pull me aside and let me know that you have something to share.

Day 2 – Nine things about yourself

Day 2 – Nine things about yourself

1. I am gay/bi/straight/pan… OMNI sexual. I like personalities not gender identities.

2. I once had my left nostril ripped open so it was gaping. I had to get a stitch. The fucking needle up my nasal cavity was worse then the pain of my nose ripping open.

3. I can read a 500 page book in less then a day. I tend to become so absorbed within these alternate realities that I probably wouldn’t notice if the house was on fire until the sweat was stinging my eyes. I am also a sucker for a good fluff book and love what has been dubbed “paranormal romance”. ( I like alternate realities where people have happy endings. A little bit of word p0rn doesn’t hurt either)

4. I am fat. I know this. I do NOT need it pointed out, hinted at or to have a discussion about it. It is something that I am working on, will probably always be working on (unless someone wants to get me onto a Canadian Biggest Loser) and it is something I am sensitive about. So fuck off.

5. I have a huge crush on Jillian Michaels. The way she yells at people to get them motivated but still cares about helping them become better people ALL AROUND is totally amazing. The abs and shoulders don’t hurt either. aura of admiration

6. My biggest dream in life is to become a mother. It is what I have wanted since I was only “this big” holds up hand and something that has never diminished in my goals. I cannot imagine my life without children in it.

7. I am a total nerd. I like comic books, super heroes, Star Trek and MMORPGs. I have played Dungeons and Dragons ( we made characters out of tinfoil and toothpicks), watched marathons of Stargate SG1 and Battlestar Galactica, talked for hours about the intricacies of WoW-life and bonded over geek-lore. I had a major crush on Wil Wheaton, Michael Shanks, Superman and The Green Lantern. I lament that I am unable to go to the fan expo in Calgary to meet the core cast of ST:TNG , Amanda Tapping, James Marsters and STAN FUCKING LEE. My world got a whole lot darker right there.

8. I love animals. All kinds. No – spiders are NOT animals. They are creepy looking, hairy-legged icky things that need to be take care of by someone else.

9. I don’t feel like I am particularly talented at anything. I am alright at some things and ok at a lot of things, but talented? Not as far as I can tell.

10 Days of Something.

Something that I saw some of my online friends are doing. Their responses have been so insightful and full of interesting facts that I felt a desire to join in and share my own thoughts and opinions.

Day 1- Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

There are times when your rigidness and narrow view of the world make me want to rip out my hair. I feel like I have to pretend and only be part of myself when I am around you for fear that you will never approve.

I think back on every moment we ever spent together often. I take it out- examine it, cherish it, relive it moment by moment, mourn it – and then I put it back in the box of what was, and will probably never be again. This saddens me and I hope to never forget these times.

I am jealous of you. Your laugh, your face, your smile, your voice. Everything about you makes me feel inferior and inadiquate. I look at you from afar and wish I could be you.

You are my best friend. You listen when I am sad. You laugh with me and shake your head at my silly antics. You share yourself with me and inform me when I need to get my head out of my ass. You are not afraid of me and are willing to tell it how it is. Every moment of laughter has been documented in my memory and will never be erased. Every tear has been remembered, be it good or bad, for its importance in our lives. I would be a wreck if you were no longer in my life and I miss you dearly every day. Don’t ever give up on our friendship.

I love you. You will always have a special place in my heart reserved only for you. I fell in love with you that day in the pool, and have not stopped loving you since. Not even when the distance, other relationships and children came into the picture. I miss you everyday and count myself blessed that we still talk and remain friends.

You hurt me. When you supported me, accompanied me and stood by me it meant a lot. Then you changed your tune, didn’t remember what happened and went back. It has been almost three years but I still haven’t gotten over it.

I may complain about you, or us. I have been known to share only the frustrating and the bad with those I trust ancd care about. Possibly skewing their views of you and of how we interact in an unfair manner. This was never my intent – I love you and enjoy your company. I cannot imagine not having you as a part of my life. Though there are days where I want to choke the life out of you or scream from the top of my lungs – the love I have for you never wavers. Through everything I still love you. I plan on striving to share more of the good we have on a more regular basis and keep my venting to a minimum. 🙂

You are not a bad person. Just because I have my own issues and struggles does not mean you failed. Without you I would not be who I am today. I would not be as strong, as resiliant, as loving or able to bounce back. These qualities I learned not just from your words, but through watching you – seeing the struggles you fought through. Seeing your courage and your ability to pick yourself back up. Your neverending faith in me and empathy are things I cherish dearly. I will never be able to convey all the appreciation I have for you with enough words to do it justice. There were bad times. There were worse times. There were times that were so good I still don’t believe they were real. The laughter. Each moment building on who I am and who we are to each other. I wouldn’t change it.

I miss you. Everyday. There is not a time that goes by when you don’t travel through my thoughts. It still hurts just as much as it did then. I still can’t believe you are not here. No longer around to love me. I doubt I will ever fully recover from your loss, but I hope the sadness eventually makes way for the happiness that comes from reliving the memories of our time together. I still talk to you. Even though you can’t hear me anymore. Even though I get looks like I am nuts. I talk about you in the present tense because I can’t believe you are truely gone. I wont believe that you aren’t out there somewhere. Waiting to come home. I love you.

I honestly don’t think I was that mean to you. In my mind when I think back on it I only can remember the times of laughter, fun and games. The tire swing. The forts across the road. Pennies on the train tracks. Campouts in your room. Keeping each other company when things got bad. Keepign eachother honest. Walking to school. Playing at the warf. Dinosaurs, snakes and cow pastures. Snoopy, walks and exploring. Shaving kits, drywall holes, Atari games. Baseball, CN Tower, Marineland. Green Eggs and Ham, snakes and ladders, Tales from the Cryptkeeper at 6am and splitting halloween candy down to everyone getting the same amount of each colour of candy. In my mind ours is a friendship forged out of battles fought, dragon’s vanquished,candies eaten and mud overcome. Of survival through times that were tough, fearful and hard. In spite of distances and time apart. I just hope you can view the past the way I view it. With a smile on my face.

Day 2 – Nine things about yourself

Day 3 – Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 4 – Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 5- Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day 6 – Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day 7-  Four turn-offs.

Day 8 – Three turn-ons.

Day 9 – Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

Day 1 – One confession

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