fuckity fuck fuck

I am moving today. But I am so fucking stressed out that I keep running into the other room from wherever I was just working to hide.

The dog? Totally scared, stressed and doesnt know what is going on. The cat? Knows what is going on and is totally pissed about it. The human? Knows what is going on, is scared, stressed, pissed off and panicking because the human wont get everything done.

So what am I doing on here? I needed to vent. If only for a moment. It is always way harder then I remember to move. And i have moved a lot. I hate it. I used to love moving, loved the adventure, the new environment, the changes… now all I can think of is HOLY FUCK WHY THE FUCK AM I PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH THIS AGAIN!

I am making myself a pact. If possible I will not be moving unless I can find a house to buy or a place where I can have permenant roots. I hate the moving. The uncertainty. The stress. I just don’t think I can handle it anymore.

 

BTW I sound like I am 50 not half that age. fuck.

 

if I could have just one wish, I would wish for fish….

So. Currently I am going through med changes. AGAIN.

I cannot seem to get a grip on where I am supposed to be with my meds and where everything else is supposed to be in relation to that. The reason (this time) for switching my meds is mainly my weight. And the fact I wasn’t able to wake up very easily.

Now I have the opposite problem. I cannot sleep. I am hungry all the time (I had no appetite before) and I am bitchy, grouchy, and touchy. My desire for any sort of personal interaction has become somewhat limited though at the same time I have been reaching out and trying to seek solace with J. I think he knows that and that something is wrong because he is understanding and receptive. I do really love him and appreciate him. Even though he can be an ass. He is only human.

 

Currently I cannot sleep without the aid of Nyquil and/or Xanax – along with anything else I have handy to knock me unconscious when I cannot stand to be awake anymore. Add that to the idea that I am not supposed to be taking anxiety medications anymore according to the doctor, and the fact that I have to move in 2 days, there is a friend needing help because of an upcoming funeral (damn straight I am going to help –its the least I can do) and me being all bitchy as hell?? I am either crying, yelling, contemplating suicide, apologizing or sulking. I have yet to find the funny part of this comedy of errors that is my life.

 

I also feel like a bad dog mom. because I have to leave the house sometimes and cannot be there with him 24/7. Is this rational? Not at all… yet I still feel as if I am a failure. Possibly it is the not sleeping. Maybe.

 

I also found out I owe S like a grand in money for the leather cord and such. What the fuck. *sighs* I am in a never ending hole of depression and blackness. Plus I cannot seem to figure out a way to just stay afloat. Maybe I shoud just… run. Would that help? I could slowly make my way towards my brother’s wedding in may of next year. That should give me enough time to walk from Saskatchewan to Richmond, Virginia right??????

 

 

I just. Get so overwhelmed. And I hate telling people because then it just seems like I am bitching. Which I am. But not because I cannot fix it. Or maybe because I cannot fix it. Maybe because I suck at everything that is anything and can never seem to get my head straight enough to sort everything out. I am worried that J will dump me. I am worried that people will judge me.. I am worried that the majority of the people I know will give up on me. God knows I would have by now. Am I going to become one of those people? The forgotten ones who stand on the sidelines of life because they cannot figure out a way to be a part of it? I can see it happening as we speak. Slowly my personal spaces are becoming smaller. Slowly I am becoming more and more broken. Soon there will be so many pieces that all the kings horses and all the kings men, plus a boat full of crazy glue wont be able to fix. ha-ha. There is a funny. Crazy glue to fix the crazy. *rolls eyes*

 

I haven’t been blogging. I have been hiding. From myself, my friends, my shrinks, everyone but my babies. They see the hidden bouts of tears. They receive my unedited ranting’s and ravings, my hopes and my fears. They receive the brunt of my anger and frustration (by which they witness it not that I do anything bad to them) and they receive the utmost love and care. Yet it is not enough. Stupid as I am I keep searching for that meaningful human connection to help with the fight. Hoping that this time I will be able to explain. That this time they will understand and someone will be able to help. There is just…. something I cannot seem to get across to get the help that I need. The help that would bring me out of this hole.

 

Fuck this noise. I am going to hide.

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 35 other followers