Something I wrote down. Yeah. I used paper. What of it?

So a while ago – I could look it up (actually I tried and I cannot find if I tweeted it or not) – I had a message to give to TheBloggess.

(Side note. Windows Live Writer – AUTOMATTICALLY hyperlinks to thebloggess.com when you highlight Bloggess and then click the ‘Hyperlink’ button.)

So I finally got around to typing up the shit I wrote down:

*Ahem – clears throat*

Dear Jenny, A.K.A. TheBloggess,

I just have to say you are like fucking CRACK dude. Seriously.

I stay up late at night reading your previous blog posts from fucking 2007 and on. (Do you even remember back then? Only getting like 20 comments instead of 1000?). I constantly fight to stay awake, knowing that I should be warm and cozy in my own bed. Snoring and dreaming about werewolves and sheep and whatever things people are supposed to dream about.

But you? You – Jenny from the Blog – are just so fucking funny and addicting that I regularly stay up until 4am. For real. More often then not. When I should be sleeping. THEN after I finally do fall asleep, I do not WAKE UP when I should in the morning – which always makes me either late or at least running to make it to class on time.

This class? It is through the Canadian Mental Health Association, so I am taking it for my fucking brain recovery. Your words though are so much like good drugs and I am so much of a crack addict that I put my fucking SANITY on the line daily. To read your blog. For shizzle.

In fact, last week (well… the week before I actually wrote this) I slept through my Wednesday class. Honestly. Who does that? (Probably all college students at some point or another – but that is besides the point). My excuse that I gave?

“Well you see – I was up late last night reading about how Jenny totally brought an inflatable sheep sex toy onto a US Navy ship as a flotation device. Which made me not tired and I felt the shakes start at the thought of not staying up to read the rest. Totally was going through withdrawal at the THOUGHT of not reading the rest …”

*complete silence*

“Did you know that she got nicknamed “Nimitz Tailhooker” by the FUCKING US NAVY. THE US FUCKING NAVY MAN! That is totally worth not sleeping to read that shit right? right???”

It is possible that they might feel I am using you as a crutch to shirk my sleeping responsibilities or something.

Because of you and your blog they think I am getting even MORE crazy. It’s TOTALLY your fault. *Nods*

Though now, I am going to bring your blog into class, which will totally show them I did not make up up, and that you are successful even with anxiety. This will make them associate your success with me. Hopefully it make them think that I am successful and will totally help them agree with me when I say that I pass the course with FLYING FUCKING COLOURS. So thanks.

Thank you very much Jenny. You just totally insured that I will make a complete mental health recovery.

-me

 

UPDATE : ( I am currently in May of 2011 – I’m fast).

Did I mention I hate being sick?

 

I am sooo sick. So icky and temperature is high. I hate my self for that. Gah.

Of course I have control of my body. And the fact I have a temperature. Right? *rolls eyes* I make so much sense when I am sick. And the demands I put on myself are ridiculous.

I have this urge to write my story. My little bitty bit of life story. The one where I do stupid things like flushing debit cards. Naming a cat Toast. Climbing a tree and getting stuck so that someone has to come rescue me. I am totally going to write all these down. Totally. Gonna start a sisterblog titled “My Not So Average Life” or “The life of the average delinquent” haha.

Anyways. I need to take a cab home. I am feeling like crap on a cracker. LOL.

I want an Xbox. With the Kinect. So I can get healthier. (right…)

-me

AN OPEN LETTER TO Michael.g.Kimber

Hi,

*crickets*

My name is Robyn. I am 25 years old and this past year – suffered a huge crash. Not really a breakdown. I did that when I was like..23. But a full blown regression to the horror that was my previous life. Long after I thought I was “Better”. That I could work two jobs, come off the medication and be like all the “normal” people.Long after I thought I was going to be happy – IF only I could do this one more thing. Be just this much better. DO this much more.

But I couldn’t. I crashed. I burned. For the first time ever I allowed myself to be put on disability. I asked for help. It wasn’t forced on me by some hospital I had been sent to. By a well meaning parent or someone who thought they could “fix” me. I ASKED for help.

That was June 11th, 2011. Two months after I had chest pain that sent me to the hospital. That they couldn’t figure out the cause of. Weeks after I had been in a continuous battle with my roommate over her changing the parameters  of the lease because she got a new boyfriend. Days and days of me working 80+ hours a week because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.

All while fighting to not give in. To not ask for help. To not admit that I needed it.

That day changed my life. I called my psychiatrist. I told him I was contemplating ending my life. That I had even gone so far as to insure that my animals would be taken care of if I went through with it. I had said my goodbyes. I had planned out how and when I would do it. I was 2 days from my planned ending. And on impulse I dialed.

Today? I am 100 miles from where I was – yet sometimes only a breath away.

I found your video today. A long time after you made it. Probably at a time when I needed it most. But there are others. People I interact with on a daily basis that need this video.

I am currently in a Life-Skills class through the Canadian Mental Health Association in Saskatoon, SK. We are on the last leg of our journey. 2 more weeks of group work before we try out community involvement. Some of us, are ready for those first few steps. Some of us see the light and are running fast the other way.

I would like to be able to show a copy of the video to my class mates. To let them watch it, hear it and maybe it will help someone else.

I would just email a link – but some of these people do not have computers. They themselves have just come out of hospitals. Have moved. Are working towards getting their own feet under them.

What I would like is a copy of the video. Something I can burn onto a DVD. Or an official copy from you. For the Mental Health Association in Saskatoon. Send it Collect on Delivery for all I care. Ill scrape the money together. But we need this. They need this, and I need to share it.

Please – I hope this doesn’t go to your spam box and I hear from you soon.

Robyn – the borderline dependent bipolar ocd anxiety insomniac monster who has never fully had a proper diagnosis, just been given a lot of names.
(Removed contact stuff for privacy. If you want it? Read your email!)

PS. I am totally facebooking this. And possibly blogging it then tweeting you the blog link. Probably. Maybe. If I have courage. Or if I get to it before the sleeping pills kick in.

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