A different direction

I have come to the realization that I want to take this blog in a little bit of a different direction. 

I am still going to post things that enter my mind. Things that I battle on a daily basis. My mental illnesses and all that entails. I also want to connect it with other aspects of my life. Ideas.  Things that I have found really useful when dealing with my mental health issues. Ways to potentially give others those same useful tools. 

I want to help fight the stigmas. I want to share my musings and ramblings in such a way as to make sense. 

I want to further myself, my life, and … I guess my blog 🙂

So my blog will continue how it has. Hopefully I will be posting a whole lot more. I will strive to. It will now have added aspects.  

I debated starting a topic specific blog. But that topic, could not be valid without the bigger picture. The entirety of the experience.  

The more personal/private posts will be locked. Those with the password will be still able to see them. They are part of me – but not current to who I am, and what I want to do. 

 

Guys. I think I just became a “writer”.

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Enough

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try – you are never good enough?

My bf claims that he tells me stuff or we discuss things and I NEVER follow through. Like making lists before going to the doctor’s appointments.

I know that this would probably be a task that would be beneficial to me. That knowing what my concerns are and having them all written down before I go to an appointment should allow for less stress and flusterment when the actual appointment occurs. I know this. Logically it is a sound practice and it is within reason that I should be able to do this. And I do… Sometimes.

I tend to forget, or focus on the details that apparently are not the important ones. That I don’t appreciate or follow the things I have agreed would be good to do. I’m human. I am not perfect – and I have a mental illness that kind of gaurentees that I will focus on the little things and only be able to focus on the one thing at a time.

This means that on a fairly regular basis I will become lost and confused with no idea where the path I am following was supposed to be destined to take me. I just look up and realize that I focused on the small item again and lost complete track of the end goal – so much so usually that I have no idea what the end goal actually was.

I know I have this flaw. I state that I have this flaw and that I work through things to the best of my ability… but I still get the “Why aren’t you doing what we talked about you doing months ago?” speech. The “Why can’t you just pick up and go back to work? You have been off work for long enough right? I mean.. you don’t have to be disabled by your mental illness” I also hear things like “Why can’t you just do this” or “What is the matter? Do you not have this random multistepped thing done yet?” “What do you mean you are panicing about the routine meeting tomorrow… it is routine and there will proabably be very VERY little chance of anything bad happening from it”

The answer to all of these questions are I DON”T KNOW.

I don’t know why I forget the simplest thing but remember the complex and obscure. I don’t know why I have panic attacks over everyday issues that I have encountered a million times before – yet this time it seems like the world is going to end. I do not know why I am not better. Why I am not fully functional. Why we haven’t discovered the right amount/combination of medications; so I have to keep continuing to do medication changes which fuck me up for weeks on end. I don’t KNOW.

I do know I try. I try and stay focused and remember to do things one step at a time. I try and keep my mind focused on the bigger picture and not the edge of the puzzle. I do try to impliment the ideas and tricks that we come up with that might help with things – though most of the time they get lost in the shuffle/mess of my mind. I try to communicate how I am feeling and explain to the best of my ability why/how/when I am freaking out about something or having a really rough time.

I made a comment today saying I wish you could medicate for intrinsic core personality flaws – and the response I got was you can’t – but you can continue to slowly try and UNLEARN the habbits and thought processes that keep you locked in the pattern.

I hope so. I hope that one day I will be able to go to a doctors appointment or a meeting without being sick to my stomach before hand. I hope I can learn the skills to help me process things in the “correct” order and not dwell on the unimportant. I hope I ca retain the memory of that which is important and force the little things into my life that will help me do these things.

I was “prescribed” the DBT workbook today. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Specifically geared towards people suffering from and living with Borderline Personality Disorder. This thing is specifically geared towards teaching people like me how to live. I am hoping it will work.

I don’t remember where I was going with this post.

C’est la vive.

Something I wrote down. Yeah. I used paper. What of it?

So a while ago – I could look it up (actually I tried and I cannot find if I tweeted it or not) – I had a message to give to TheBloggess.

(Side note. Windows Live Writer – AUTOMATTICALLY hyperlinks to thebloggess.com when you highlight Bloggess and then click the ‘Hyperlink’ button.)

So I finally got around to typing up the shit I wrote down:

*Ahem – clears throat*

Dear Jenny, A.K.A. TheBloggess,

I just have to say you are like fucking CRACK dude. Seriously.

I stay up late at night reading your previous blog posts from fucking 2007 and on. (Do you even remember back then? Only getting like 20 comments instead of 1000?). I constantly fight to stay awake, knowing that I should be warm and cozy in my own bed. Snoring and dreaming about werewolves and sheep and whatever things people are supposed to dream about.

But you? You – Jenny from the Blog – are just so fucking funny and addicting that I regularly stay up until 4am. For real. More often then not. When I should be sleeping. THEN after I finally do fall asleep, I do not WAKE UP when I should in the morning – which always makes me either late or at least running to make it to class on time.

This class? It is through the Canadian Mental Health Association, so I am taking it for my fucking brain recovery. Your words though are so much like good drugs and I am so much of a crack addict that I put my fucking SANITY on the line daily. To read your blog. For shizzle.

In fact, last week (well… the week before I actually wrote this) I slept through my Wednesday class. Honestly. Who does that? (Probably all college students at some point or another – but that is besides the point). My excuse that I gave?

“Well you see – I was up late last night reading about how Jenny totally brought an inflatable sheep sex toy onto a US Navy ship as a flotation device. Which made me not tired and I felt the shakes start at the thought of not staying up to read the rest. Totally was going through withdrawal at the THOUGHT of not reading the rest …”

*complete silence*

“Did you know that she got nicknamed “Nimitz Tailhooker” by the FUCKING US NAVY. THE US FUCKING NAVY MAN! That is totally worth not sleeping to read that shit right? right???”

It is possible that they might feel I am using you as a crutch to shirk my sleeping responsibilities or something.

Because of you and your blog they think I am getting even MORE crazy. It’s TOTALLY your fault. *Nods*

Though now, I am going to bring your blog into class, which will totally show them I did not make up up, and that you are successful even with anxiety. This will make them associate your success with me. Hopefully it make them think that I am successful and will totally help them agree with me when I say that I pass the course with FLYING FUCKING COLOURS. So thanks.

Thank you very much Jenny. You just totally insured that I will make a complete mental health recovery.

-me

 

UPDATE : ( I am currently in May of 2011 – I’m fast).

AN OPEN LETTER TO Michael.g.Kimber

Hi,

*crickets*

My name is Robyn. I am 25 years old and this past year – suffered a huge crash. Not really a breakdown. I did that when I was like..23. But a full blown regression to the horror that was my previous life. Long after I thought I was “Better”. That I could work two jobs, come off the medication and be like all the “normal” people.Long after I thought I was going to be happy – IF only I could do this one more thing. Be just this much better. DO this much more.

But I couldn’t. I crashed. I burned. For the first time ever I allowed myself to be put on disability. I asked for help. It wasn’t forced on me by some hospital I had been sent to. By a well meaning parent or someone who thought they could “fix” me. I ASKED for help.

That was June 11th, 2011. Two months after I had chest pain that sent me to the hospital. That they couldn’t figure out the cause of. Weeks after I had been in a continuous battle with my roommate over her changing the parameters  of the lease because she got a new boyfriend. Days and days of me working 80+ hours a week because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.

All while fighting to not give in. To not ask for help. To not admit that I needed it.

That day changed my life. I called my psychiatrist. I told him I was contemplating ending my life. That I had even gone so far as to insure that my animals would be taken care of if I went through with it. I had said my goodbyes. I had planned out how and when I would do it. I was 2 days from my planned ending. And on impulse I dialed.

Today? I am 100 miles from where I was – yet sometimes only a breath away.

I found your video today. A long time after you made it. Probably at a time when I needed it most. But there are others. People I interact with on a daily basis that need this video.

I am currently in a Life-Skills class through the Canadian Mental Health Association in Saskatoon, SK. We are on the last leg of our journey. 2 more weeks of group work before we try out community involvement. Some of us, are ready for those first few steps. Some of us see the light and are running fast the other way.

I would like to be able to show a copy of the video to my class mates. To let them watch it, hear it and maybe it will help someone else.

I would just email a link – but some of these people do not have computers. They themselves have just come out of hospitals. Have moved. Are working towards getting their own feet under them.

What I would like is a copy of the video. Something I can burn onto a DVD. Or an official copy from you. For the Mental Health Association in Saskatoon. Send it Collect on Delivery for all I care. Ill scrape the money together. But we need this. They need this, and I need to share it.

Please – I hope this doesn’t go to your spam box and I hear from you soon.

Robyn – the borderline dependent bipolar ocd anxiety insomniac monster who has never fully had a proper diagnosis, just been given a lot of names.
(Removed contact stuff for privacy. If you want it? Read your email!)

PS. I am totally facebooking this. And possibly blogging it then tweeting you the blog link. Probably. Maybe. If I have courage. Or if I get to it before the sleeping pills kick in.

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