After effects

After a week of … that…. I am going through “drop”.

It sucks.

I’m on edge. Looking for that connection … that… missing piece.

Wtf is wrong with me.

Would the void be filled with anyone?  With anything? Did I just fuck things up even more, by letting myself feel again?

I don’t feel guilty.  I think I’m jealous.  Which is just as stupid. I have no claim. I never did. I actually *honestly* am okay with that.

I’m not like normal people.  I don’t understand the restrictions people put on their love for each other. Restricting how someone , who you say you love, can interact and love others. .. just doesn’t compute. 

It doesn’t mean that every once in a while.. I don’t long for others to feel the same way I do.

I find… that the one(s) who matter the most to me? The one(s)… who gets me? We connect to each other – usually in ways that are confusing. For both of us. Lol.

It is what makes me want to keep them in my life. However I can manage it 🙂

Once my head stops spinning from the whirlwind of excitement and… insane contentment…. I think I’ll be fine?

Though… what I wouldn’t give for a steady diet of … that.

Sigh.

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45 things a girl wants, but wont ask for (and my response) – from the draft abyss

My 13 year old cousin posted this on FB.. and I just had late night issues…

45 THINGS A GIRL WANTS, BUT WON’T ASK FOR:

1. Touch her waist. (Touch my waist, I punch your face. Fair warning)

2. Actually talk to her. (but only if it makes sense and you can use proper English, or at least something resembling English.)

3. Share secrets with her. (Unless they will creep me out. I don’t want to know you keep scabs in a jar, or buried your cat in the garden I just ate lettuce from)

…4. Give her your jacket. (Only if it is my size. What am I going to do with a jacket that doesn’t fit?)

5. Kiss her slowly. (This is ok… but only as long as you realize I need air. Otherwise you will lose an eye)

Are you remembering this?

6. Hug her. (This is good. Unless I am trying to go pee)

7. Hold her. (Again good, unless I need to go to the bathroom or you’re preventing me from getting to the salad bar)

8. Laugh with her. (Especially when I tell my awesome jokes. )

9. Invite her somewhere. (Sure – Just don’t expect me to enjoy visiting great Aunt Nelly in her nursing home – or watching as you and your friends play musical burps)

10. Hangout with her and your friends together. (Unless they are total douch bags. Then you can hang out with them by yourself. Ill find my own thing to do)

KEEP READING ..

11. Smile with her. (Just don’t be creepy about it.)

12. Take pictures with her. ( Only take my picture on a good day, or when I have given my permission first. NEVER show off a picture before I have given it my stamp of approval. You think I want everyone to know what I look like when I just roll out of bed?)

13. Pull her onto your lap.* (Just don’t quote RHCP when doing it. Shudders)*

14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back. (You plan on duking it out with me over the fact I may love you more? Immature much?)

15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved. (I will more then likely claw your eyes out because you are suffocating me)

Are you thinking of someone?

16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her. (Unless I am doing something else. Or you JUST did this, or I am in the bathroom – in which case – shut the door you!)

17. Kiss her unexpectedly. (You gotta be careful else my ninja-like skills end up giving you a black eye because you startled me)

18. Hug her from behind around the waist. (Remember what happens when you touch my waist? Hugging me from behind just means you get canned instead of punched)

19. Tell her she’s beautiful. (This one I will take)

20. Tell her the way you feel about her. (Acceptable – unless the way you feel about me is illegal. Then we need to have a in depth conversation about limits and boundaries beforehand.)

One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.

21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car – it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman. (This only works some of the time – I may just turn and look at you funny and there will be a complete awkward moment as I wait for you to enter the fucking restaurant already goddamnit)

22. Tell her she’s your everything – only if you mean it. (I’m sorry, you tell me this and I will know you are lying. It is emotionally and physically impossible for me to be your everything. I am not your mother, your father, your favorite gym teacher or that girl you diddled in 8th grade. I am just me)

23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her – if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT – so just hug her.(Or it could be that there is ACTUALLY NOTHING WRONG)

24. Make her feel loved. (…just not stalked)

25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!(Or other boys, or girls you don’t know… etc)

WE MIGHT DENY IT BUT WE ACTUALLY LIKE AND KINDA WANT YOU TO TICKLE US .. (Tickling me will usually result in some sort of fight)

26. Don’t lie to her. (Unless it is a good lie… like “No hun, you won’t seem like a total uncouth pig if you eat a second piece of pie” – that right there is a good lie)

27. DON’T cheat on her. (This I kinda agree with… )

28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants. (That’s right.. I wanna go to the fucking MOON!)

29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her. (Just don’t expect more of a response then a grumble or a “k” until at least 10 am and 2 cups of coffee)

30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.(Unless I need you to GO AWAY. Sometimes I like to be alone yo)

ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER, BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT.

31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too. (Or we could just go to somewhere where it isn’t cold… What a novel idea!)

32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her. (Hell we don’t have to be alone for that…)

33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her). (Or it warns me that I may have had too much garlic at lunch and I need to brush my teeth…that works too)

34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly. (You make me miss an important piece of my movie and there will be hell to pay… HELL)

35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.( If you’re mad, be mad. Tell me you’re mad. Tell me to leave. Just be prepared for the response)

REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT ..

36. When people diss her, stand up for her. (But don’t be surprised when I am right there telling nasty jokes right along with them… that doesn’t mean you can though)

37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her. (This works … as long as you don’t turn it into something creepy.. and heads up – I may burst into laughter)

38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you. (How romantic… though I will more then likely smell like a bottle of Off! – Only time I want to be outside laying down looking at the stars is in summer… when bugs are out)

39. When walking next to each other grab her hand. (Just don’t startle me too much or I may attack)

40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.(Just let go when I start to squirm.. otherwise I might poke your eyes out)

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED.

41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams. (Don’t be offended if I fall asleep on you)

42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears. (Letting me blow my nose helps as well.)

43. Take her for long walks at night. (Unless it is in the dead of winter, or a really bad part of town or something like that)

44. Always remind her how much you love her. (I like this one)

45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her. (I am warning you right now. You sit on top of me and I will NOT be wiping the blood off your face after you smack your head into the wall when I buck)

You’ll never know when she needs just a little more love .. ♥! (Until I ask for it)

So. It begins. The beginning of the end…

I was so scared to tell her I was moving. To let her know that I was making a choice for myself. Not for anyone else. Turns out I was right to be scared. Right to be worried.

Moments after I sent that email – She responded with good luck. You owe me money.

Okay. I owe you 100. You want an extra 50 for driving me home? After was able to get a ride for free, and you convinced me to stay until the next day where you would have a boy drive me? Fine. I will pay you the 50.

You are so cold. So held back. I know you are hurting about this as much as I am . There is no way you couldn’t care. Besides – I know you. You are my friend, one of my best… I know there is a way you react when you feel threatened or hurt. I know you push people away. Lash out. Try and make them hurt as much as you do. It’s not okay.. but I can understand it.

And yes – I expected this. I knew – KNEW – that there was a 99% chance of the reaction being such. Being asked to return everything that might have been lent. Pay you money. Having you request everything so that you can “break” ties.

You want the few books I might have back – Sure.. I’ll look for them.
You want the supplies you gave me for displaying jewellery? Sure. No problem. I will give them to the boys when they come by.

You want the bedroom set you said I could have because you didn’t want it? To save it from being sold off by your mother? I’ll do that too.

You can take all the material stuff you want back. Not thing things you gave as real honest to god gifts though. (I know how you feel about people wanting to give stuff like that back).

It won’t change anything. I will still be here – waiting for you to not be mad or hurt anymore. I will get past my hurt, disappointment, abandonment feelings – and I will still care about you. You could never speak to me again… and I would still think of you every day. You may not want anything to do with me right now.. and that is okay… But I will still be caring about you – even when you try and cut every piece out.

I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you feel that our friendship was one-sided. That I used(??really you feel I was only using you???) you for what I could get out of you. To feel and believe that of everyone must be exhausting. And painful. No matter what you believe now – I never tried to use you. I never wanted you because you had money, were nice to me… anything like that. I liked you because *I LIKED YOU*.

I wanted to be your friend from the first time I met you. Sucks that because I cared about you, and am now moving away – it means I used you.

So…

I will give your stuff back. I will find a way to pay you back . I will take a step back, let you be. Hopefully one day you will forgive me and we could be friends again. In a way that isn’t me keeping the candle light in the window. It sucks… maybe this will help you too.

You were what was keeping me here… but that isn’t right either. To stay somewhere, go somewhere, do something… because you are scared of losing or hurting someone… isn’t healthy. I finally want to try for what *I* want. The only person who wasn’t okay with me making a choice for me – no matter what – was you. I’m sorry that being in your house so you could move away wasn’t enough. I’m sorry that me trying to be happy – makes you feel hurt and sad. I’m sorry.

Whether you care or not… I still do. And I will miss you. Every day. But .. I am still going. I want to start a life for me. With no one telling me what to do.  Not mom, not dad, not Oma, not even you.

Hopefully you will one day stop hurting  and I won’t have to keep the candle lit. Hopefully ….

xxooxx

Protected: Hopeless confusion.

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Confusion

Do you ever find yourself wondering which way is up?

Do you find yourself confused and unsure about where you stand, what you did and why things are turning out this way?

Do you ever have a conversation with a significant other that goes along the lines of:
“U forgot your bag and ty for showing me where u stand”

To which you are completely in the dark as to what is being referred to as – you just spent 3 hours in a vehicle with your significant other; your significant other dropped you off and helped you put bring your bags inside; your significant other made some joke on the way out and stated they would talk to you later.

Then the text message. No context. No more information. No warning. Just a message that reads as you have hurt your significant other’s feelings in some way and morally/ethically offended them somehow.

My response were as follows:

Call. Goes to VM.
Text : “What??? I am so confused now. Which bag?”
Call home phone. VM.
Call cell again just in case he just missed the call. VM. Leave message asking for a call back for clarification.
Text : “And what do you mean by where I stand?”
Call cell. VM.
Text: (for clarification):”I don’t know what I did that was “showing you where I stand” did I do something? Or say something? Or not do something? Please communicate!”
Complete 10 minutes of silence and panic.
Get text “your air-force one”
Reply “ok. What about your other statement?”
Get text: “Nothing”
Call cell. VM.
Call friend. Proceed with the WTF and WHAT DID I DO!?!? panicking.
While waiting for friend to answer text : “Obviously I have upset you somehow/way. I am sorry if this is the case and hope that when you are comfortable you will share it with me so we can solve the issue.”
Response of: “Nothing to share.”
Explaining confusion to friend.
Send text to SO saying :”It is really frustrating to not know what is going on”
His response? “Only you know now adays”
(by now I am so fucking confused, crying and having a panic attack
Me: “I don’t get it. Only I know what is going on?”
SO : “Yeap”
Me: “BUT I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!”

Then comes the standard response I tend to get whenever I ask for clarification, communication or expansion on the topic we are discussing…

“Don’t worry about it”

How can I not fucking worry about it? You have made it absolutely certain that I will worry about it. That I will panic. I try and keep things calm, collected and not panic inducing, yet you always respond the same way + or – a W/e

I didn’t know what to do. What to say. No answer on the cell. No return of call. No clarification of any sort. I respond with the only thing I have left.

“K. I love you”

It is like the merry-go-round that never ends. I do something wrong. Or you state I have not done something. Or I was supposed to do something but didn’t. Or something I forgot has you upset.  I ask for clarification. I ask for communication. Sometimes I get phone calls. I try and remain calm and communicate like I am learning. Like I have been taught during Lifeskills. Through the DBT workbook. Making sure I don’t make any judging statements. Don’t accuse. Don’t get defensive. Apologize for the misunderstanding that may have occurred and ask what could be done to make the situation better. I wish I could get the same sort of thought out response that I put into my carefully thought out and weighed attempt at communication. I would love for some clear, non overly emotional. Non blaming. Non yelling. Non arguments starting with “you cant” or “you wont” or “I have to” (making it sound like a horrid burden) and the dreaded “Whatever” “It’s fine” “Don’t worry about it”

How am I supposed to get any sort of useful information/communication and PROGRESS to change and communication in our relationship if everything seems to be my fault, because of me, and no way for me to change it.

Any time I try and start an open communication you never want to talk. You say it will just make you upset, or angry. That it wont change anything anyways.

I am in knots. I’m panicky. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t sit still and have spent the last hour staring at my ceiling wondering what I did or said wrong. How I could have messed up so badly again. How I can make it right.

What do I do now? I am so confused. Which way is up? What direction am I facing?

I tell you I love you. Lately you only respond with “Sure” “yeap” and “Okay”.

I ask you if you love me and you reply with “sometimes”.

I ask you to come to Donna with me – so we can talk about things, our relationship, get things communicated in a neutral, safe, understanding environment. You almost never show – or do – but in the last 10 minutes. I understand you are busy and work lots. But all I am asking is for 1.5 hours a month. Or every other month. Hell – once every 3 months. Just wish you would come and communicate.

I love you. I really truly do. I want to work on our relationship. I want to communicate better.

I cannot be the only participant.

I am not the only one making mistakes. Needing to adjust outlooks and visions. Needing to develop skills.

I have a disability. If I get on the SAID program I will have permanent disability. This does not make me less of a person then I was when we first got together and I was killing myself with multiple jobs and denial that I needed help. This past year has been hard. I have had med changes about every 6 weeks. And not just adjustments. Full blown fucking changes in the medication. This is hard on a person. I cannot just fix it. I cannot just change meds and the next week be fine. Sometimes it can take 3-6 weeks to even know if a medication will work. 3weeks to 3 months to figure out if/what the side effects are. It is a time consuming and frustrating task – not just for those around me – but for me as well. I don’t WANT to be so tired I cannot wake up. I don’t want to be lactating when I am not pregnant. I DO NOT WANT the 60 lbs of med induced yo-yoing over the past year. You think I like being the way I am right now?

I also didn’t want this to turn into a rant either.

Oh well. There ya go.

Day 3 – 8 ways to win your heart

1. Tell me how much I matter to you and how much you enjoy my company.

2. The little things are important. A touch, a smile – having you reach over and take my hand like it is natural. Pet names are good too. Being called something special that you don’t mind others overhearing.

3. Be good with kids. There is something that just melts me to pieces when I see someone playing with kids – especially if they are not their own and they don’t have any. The innocence that comes forth from playtime with a child is priceless. Also I think it is some sorta mothering instinct.

4. Be considerate of others. Not just those you know, but the little old lady struggling to load her groceries into her car. The person on the bus who has a disability and only wants to share with you the wonder of their world. The child that has looked up and cannot find a parent – panicking and crying in fear. Even just noticing that these people exist is a big thing.

5. Be able to laugh at yourself and at situations outside of your control. Being able to find humour in what would otherwise be frustrating or stressful is important.

6. Be supportive of me. If I am having a bad day – take notice. Don’t take my crap but acknowledge that I am there and that you see me. If I am sad – offer to hug me or just listen to me vent. Let me know that even on days when I don’t want to talk you are still there for me.

7. Have the ability to act care-free. I will admit that I enjoy what others might call childish… but the pleasure I get from doing things – colouring, going to the zoo, watching a kids movie – is something that can be shared. Just because we grew up doesn’t mean we have to be old.

8. Be honest. Be honest about yourself, your feelings (or lack of them) and be honest about me. Don’t be afraid to pull me aside and let me know that you have something to share.

10 Days of Something.

Something that I saw some of my online friends are doing. Their responses have been so insightful and full of interesting facts that I felt a desire to join in and share my own thoughts and opinions.

Day 1- Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

There are times when your rigidness and narrow view of the world make me want to rip out my hair. I feel like I have to pretend and only be part of myself when I am around you for fear that you will never approve.

I think back on every moment we ever spent together often. I take it out- examine it, cherish it, relive it moment by moment, mourn it – and then I put it back in the box of what was, and will probably never be again. This saddens me and I hope to never forget these times.

I am jealous of you. Your laugh, your face, your smile, your voice. Everything about you makes me feel inferior and inadiquate. I look at you from afar and wish I could be you.

You are my best friend. You listen when I am sad. You laugh with me and shake your head at my silly antics. You share yourself with me and inform me when I need to get my head out of my ass. You are not afraid of me and are willing to tell it how it is. Every moment of laughter has been documented in my memory and will never be erased. Every tear has been remembered, be it good or bad, for its importance in our lives. I would be a wreck if you were no longer in my life and I miss you dearly every day. Don’t ever give up on our friendship.

I love you. You will always have a special place in my heart reserved only for you. I fell in love with you that day in the pool, and have not stopped loving you since. Not even when the distance, other relationships and children came into the picture. I miss you everyday and count myself blessed that we still talk and remain friends.

You hurt me. When you supported me, accompanied me and stood by me it meant a lot. Then you changed your tune, didn’t remember what happened and went back. It has been almost three years but I still haven’t gotten over it.

I may complain about you, or us. I have been known to share only the frustrating and the bad with those I trust ancd care about. Possibly skewing their views of you and of how we interact in an unfair manner. This was never my intent – I love you and enjoy your company. I cannot imagine not having you as a part of my life. Though there are days where I want to choke the life out of you or scream from the top of my lungs – the love I have for you never wavers. Through everything I still love you. I plan on striving to share more of the good we have on a more regular basis and keep my venting to a minimum. 🙂

You are not a bad person. Just because I have my own issues and struggles does not mean you failed. Without you I would not be who I am today. I would not be as strong, as resiliant, as loving or able to bounce back. These qualities I learned not just from your words, but through watching you – seeing the struggles you fought through. Seeing your courage and your ability to pick yourself back up. Your neverending faith in me and empathy are things I cherish dearly. I will never be able to convey all the appreciation I have for you with enough words to do it justice. There were bad times. There were worse times. There were times that were so good I still don’t believe they were real. The laughter. Each moment building on who I am and who we are to each other. I wouldn’t change it.

I miss you. Everyday. There is not a time that goes by when you don’t travel through my thoughts. It still hurts just as much as it did then. I still can’t believe you are not here. No longer around to love me. I doubt I will ever fully recover from your loss, but I hope the sadness eventually makes way for the happiness that comes from reliving the memories of our time together. I still talk to you. Even though you can’t hear me anymore. Even though I get looks like I am nuts. I talk about you in the present tense because I can’t believe you are truely gone. I wont believe that you aren’t out there somewhere. Waiting to come home. I love you.

I honestly don’t think I was that mean to you. In my mind when I think back on it I only can remember the times of laughter, fun and games. The tire swing. The forts across the road. Pennies on the train tracks. Campouts in your room. Keeping each other company when things got bad. Keepign eachother honest. Walking to school. Playing at the warf. Dinosaurs, snakes and cow pastures. Snoopy, walks and exploring. Shaving kits, drywall holes, Atari games. Baseball, CN Tower, Marineland. Green Eggs and Ham, snakes and ladders, Tales from the Cryptkeeper at 6am and splitting halloween candy down to everyone getting the same amount of each colour of candy. In my mind ours is a friendship forged out of battles fought, dragon’s vanquished,candies eaten and mud overcome. Of survival through times that were tough, fearful and hard. In spite of distances and time apart. I just hope you can view the past the way I view it. With a smile on my face.

Day 2 – Nine things about yourself

Day 3 – Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 4 – Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 5- Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day 6 – Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day 7-  Four turn-offs.

Day 8 – Three turn-ons.

Day 9 – Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

Day 1 – One confession

I am broken. But I am not alone.

I was reading back entries from TheBloggess and I came across a post that connected with me. The post and all the comments really – just moved me.

This is my response.

I love this post. I am glad that I found it. I struggle daily with the idea that there are those, those very close to me who would not accept me if they knew the truth. The truth about my mental illness. The truth about my sexuality. The truth about the alternative way I view my life.

There are those who would be upset if they knew how hard I struggled. How upset they would be if they knew how much I lied to the world just to get by.

I really appreciate this post Jenny, and many that you make. I feel like I have found in you – a mysterious and wonderful connection. If only one way.

I am broken. But I am not alone. This will be my new creed.

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