It’s been a while… but! I am back. With a bang? At least a small knock.

My dad posted this – and I watched… went about my business… watched again.

It has validity in a world where a lot of what I read/see/hear is only as valid as the current Wikipedia update.

YET. Yet…

Being some with social anxiety, I find that I am having way more meaningful interactions with people, through the safety of the screen – then I might have otherwise.

The ability to monitor and edit what I say, to check my spelling obsessively, to only portray those points and thoughts in my head that come across the way I would have wanted them to – had I said them aloud… is extremely important to me. I say things that I mean, I express my beliefs, I am willing to be ME, candidly (sorta) without having people watching me.

It is part of what makes my brand of social anxiety – the kind that falls under the spectrum, but lets face it, is unique to me – so easy to shed when I am behind the safety of my four walls.

In highschool – I joked. I knew I was different and quirky and tried (mostly failed) to fit in. I tried to hide my ineptitude behind the books, the few close friends, and my air of “pfft. I don’t give two shits”. All of which was a lie.

I cared. More then I probably should have back then. But I cared. I scrutinized every. single. thing.  What someone said, or didn’t say. The parties I didn’t get invited to. The friendships that seemed to so easily come to everyone else. It caused me to miss out on probably quite a few opportunities, because in my socially anxious mind… it was never simple.

I personally suffer from a (few) handfuls of mental illness issues. The majority of them resulting in me being more comfortable behind my computer screen. But if I didn’t have the ease of social media? I would truly be lonely. I would be alone – without the option of the friends I have made through social media. Does the fact that the majority of the people I know don’t live anywhere close to me, bug me? Sometimes. But the fact remains… I would be way more lonely if I didn’t have them.

 

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Updated

I have since posting the last post – decided that I am going to declare today – SELF PITY DAY.

I do NOT plan on doing anything. I plan on wallowing

wal·low  

strong 1. To roll the body about indolently or clumsily in or as if in water, snow, or mud.
2. To luxuriate; revel: wallow in self-righteousness.
3. To be plentifully supplied: wallowing in money.
4. To move with difficulty in a clumsy or rolling manner; flounder: “The car wallowed back through the slush, with ribbons of bright water trickling down the windshield from the roof” (Anne Tyler).
5. To swell or surge forth; billow.
n.

1. The act or an instance of wallowing.
2.

a. A pool of water or mud where animals go to wallow.
b. The depression, pool, or pit produced by wallowing animals.
3. A condition of degradation or baseness.

[Middle English walowen, from Old English wealwian; see wel-2 in Indo-European roots.]

wallow·er n.

.

Wallowing in my frustration, wallowing in my cold feet-ed-ness, wallowing in the no coffee department. I even plan on wallowing in my unwashed filth. (ok.. maybe not THAT one – since I am already washed – and since that is gross). I may not even EAT today. I may just crawl back underneath the covers and hide from the entire world.

This could be a solution to the entire mess.

nods.

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