So. It begins. The beginning of the end…

I was so scared to tell her I was moving. To let her know that I was making a choice for myself. Not for anyone else. Turns out I was right to be scared. Right to be worried.

Moments after I sent that email – She responded with good luck. You owe me money.

Okay. I owe you 100. You want an extra 50 for driving me home? After was able to get a ride for free, and you convinced me to stay until the next day where you would have a boy drive me? Fine. I will pay you the 50.

You are so cold. So held back. I know you are hurting about this as much as I am . There is no way you couldn’t care. Besides – I know you. You are my friend, one of my best… I know there is a way you react when you feel threatened or hurt. I know you push people away. Lash out. Try and make them hurt as much as you do. It’s not okay.. but I can understand it.

And yes – I expected this. I knew – KNEW – that there was a 99% chance of the reaction being such. Being asked to return everything that might have been lent. Pay you money. Having you request everything so that you can “break” ties.

You want the few books I might have back – Sure.. I’ll look for them.
You want the supplies you gave me for displaying jewellery? Sure. No problem. I will give them to the boys when they come by.

You want the bedroom set you said I could have because you didn’t want it? To save it from being sold off by your mother? I’ll do that too.

You can take all the material stuff you want back. Not thing things you gave as real honest to god gifts though. (I know how you feel about people wanting to give stuff like that back).

It won’t change anything. I will still be here – waiting for you to not be mad or hurt anymore. I will get past my hurt, disappointment, abandonment feelings – and I will still care about you. You could never speak to me again… and I would still think of you every day. You may not want anything to do with me right now.. and that is okay… But I will still be caring about you – even when you try and cut every piece out.

I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you feel that our friendship was one-sided. That I used(??really you feel I was only using you???) you for what I could get out of you. To feel and believe that of everyone must be exhausting. And painful. No matter what you believe now – I never tried to use you. I never wanted you because you had money, were nice to me… anything like that. I liked you because *I LIKED YOU*.

I wanted to be your friend from the first time I met you. Sucks that because I cared about you, and am now moving away – it means I used you.

So…

I will give your stuff back. I will find a way to pay you back . I will take a step back, let you be. Hopefully one day you will forgive me and we could be friends again. In a way that isn’t me keeping the candle light in the window. It sucks… maybe this will help you too.

You were what was keeping me here… but that isn’t right either. To stay somewhere, go somewhere, do something… because you are scared of losing or hurting someone… isn’t healthy. I finally want to try for what *I* want. The only person who wasn’t okay with me making a choice for me – no matter what – was you. I’m sorry that being in your house so you could move away wasn’t enough. I’m sorry that me trying to be happy – makes you feel hurt and sad. I’m sorry.

Whether you care or not… I still do. And I will miss you. Every day. But .. I am still going. I want to start a life for me. With no one telling me what to do.  Not mom, not dad, not Oma, not even you.

Hopefully you will one day stop hurting  and I won’t have to keep the candle lit. Hopefully ….

xxooxx

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