Confusion

Do you ever find yourself wondering which way is up?

Do you find yourself confused and unsure about where you stand, what you did and why things are turning out this way?

Do you ever have a conversation with a significant other that goes along the lines of:
“U forgot your bag and ty for showing me where u stand”

To which you are completely in the dark as to what is being referred to as – you just spent 3 hours in a vehicle with your significant other; your significant other dropped you off and helped you put bring your bags inside; your significant other made some joke on the way out and stated they would talk to you later.

Then the text message. No context. No more information. No warning. Just a message that reads as you have hurt your significant other’s feelings in some way and morally/ethically offended them somehow.

My response were as follows:

Call. Goes to VM.
Text : “What??? I am so confused now. Which bag?”
Call home phone. VM.
Call cell again just in case he just missed the call. VM. Leave message asking for a call back for clarification.
Text : “And what do you mean by where I stand?”
Call cell. VM.
Text: (for clarification):”I don’t know what I did that was “showing you where I stand” did I do something? Or say something? Or not do something? Please communicate!”
Complete 10 minutes of silence and panic.
Get text “your air-force one”
Reply “ok. What about your other statement?”
Get text: “Nothing”
Call cell. VM.
Call friend. Proceed with the WTF and WHAT DID I DO!?!? panicking.
While waiting for friend to answer text : “Obviously I have upset you somehow/way. I am sorry if this is the case and hope that when you are comfortable you will share it with me so we can solve the issue.”
Response of: “Nothing to share.”
Explaining confusion to friend.
Send text to SO saying :”It is really frustrating to not know what is going on”
His response? “Only you know now adays”
(by now I am so fucking confused, crying and having a panic attack
Me: “I don’t get it. Only I know what is going on?”
SO : “Yeap”
Me: “BUT I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!”

Then comes the standard response I tend to get whenever I ask for clarification, communication or expansion on the topic we are discussing…

“Don’t worry about it”

How can I not fucking worry about it? You have made it absolutely certain that I will worry about it. That I will panic. I try and keep things calm, collected and not panic inducing, yet you always respond the same way + or – a W/e

I didn’t know what to do. What to say. No answer on the cell. No return of call. No clarification of any sort. I respond with the only thing I have left.

“K. I love you”

It is like the merry-go-round that never ends. I do something wrong. Or you state I have not done something. Or I was supposed to do something but didn’t. Or something I forgot has you upset.  I ask for clarification. I ask for communication. Sometimes I get phone calls. I try and remain calm and communicate like I am learning. Like I have been taught during Lifeskills. Through the DBT workbook. Making sure I don’t make any judging statements. Don’t accuse. Don’t get defensive. Apologize for the misunderstanding that may have occurred and ask what could be done to make the situation better. I wish I could get the same sort of thought out response that I put into my carefully thought out and weighed attempt at communication. I would love for some clear, non overly emotional. Non blaming. Non yelling. Non arguments starting with “you cant” or “you wont” or “I have to” (making it sound like a horrid burden) and the dreaded “Whatever” “It’s fine” “Don’t worry about it”

How am I supposed to get any sort of useful information/communication and PROGRESS to change and communication in our relationship if everything seems to be my fault, because of me, and no way for me to change it.

Any time I try and start an open communication you never want to talk. You say it will just make you upset, or angry. That it wont change anything anyways.

I am in knots. I’m panicky. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t sit still and have spent the last hour staring at my ceiling wondering what I did or said wrong. How I could have messed up so badly again. How I can make it right.

What do I do now? I am so confused. Which way is up? What direction am I facing?

I tell you I love you. Lately you only respond with “Sure” “yeap” and “Okay”.

I ask you if you love me and you reply with “sometimes”.

I ask you to come to Donna with me – so we can talk about things, our relationship, get things communicated in a neutral, safe, understanding environment. You almost never show – or do – but in the last 10 minutes. I understand you are busy and work lots. But all I am asking is for 1.5 hours a month. Or every other month. Hell – once every 3 months. Just wish you would come and communicate.

I love you. I really truly do. I want to work on our relationship. I want to communicate better.

I cannot be the only participant.

I am not the only one making mistakes. Needing to adjust outlooks and visions. Needing to develop skills.

I have a disability. If I get on the SAID program I will have permanent disability. This does not make me less of a person then I was when we first got together and I was killing myself with multiple jobs and denial that I needed help. This past year has been hard. I have had med changes about every 6 weeks. And not just adjustments. Full blown fucking changes in the medication. This is hard on a person. I cannot just fix it. I cannot just change meds and the next week be fine. Sometimes it can take 3-6 weeks to even know if a medication will work. 3weeks to 3 months to figure out if/what the side effects are. It is a time consuming and frustrating task – not just for those around me – but for me as well. I don’t WANT to be so tired I cannot wake up. I don’t want to be lactating when I am not pregnant. I DO NOT WANT the 60 lbs of med induced yo-yoing over the past year. You think I like being the way I am right now?

I also didn’t want this to turn into a rant either.

Oh well. There ya go.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Keaven Neely
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 09:32:20

    I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with this. I had someone tell me the other day it takes 2 people to fight and if you don’t participate, there’s no fight.

    It also takes 2 people to be in a relationship and if you don’t participate, there’s no relationship. Your SO is NOT participating. 😦 I hate seeing people being treated poorly by those they love. If you love someone you step up to the plate, you support them, you don’t say things to hurt them, you try to work it out, you’re considerate, and nonjudgemental. You love them regardless of whether or not they offend you sometimes, because if you’re around a person enough, it’s bound to happen at one point or another…

    Sorry… If you need someone to talk… I can talk. Or listen rather…

    Reply

  2. mrphy42
    Jul 05, 2012 @ 18:54:22

    I can’t tell you how familiar all of this is. How many times I have been in the exact same situation. It is stressful, and they say “Just forget about it” or “Don’t worry about it.” Don’t they understand that is just not possible? How much panic and stress comes with this? And then they don’t want to talk about it. How can you say I did something wrong, refuse to say what it was, make me feel like shit and then not even try to talk about it?!

    Reply

  3. Piimanyx
    Sep 02, 2012 @ 09:07:05

    [Quick] Love Comment Blog ♥ (3) (2/3) Piimanyx

    I don’t arrive to understand everything that you write. But I think that I understand one thing, that it’s your unhappy. I’m sad to see as far as of despair 😦
    I hope that you”ll be good !

    Reply

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