So I keep fucking up…

Warning – Ranty Post!

 

I keep fucking things up.

No matter what my intentions are/were, or what I plan out – I keep fucking things up. And I don’t know how to fix them.

Lately I have had some bad hermititus. I havent wanted to be doing much of anything. Other then probably spending time in bed, or with my dog and cat. Possibly it is because the weather is so icky – But I just think I am on a downward spiral into another bout with Depression. YAY!

So I make plans to go over to J’s house to help him out with some stuff. We talk about me coming over.. but neither one of us puts an exact time on it. I just know that I want to get there earlier and help out.

Here is what has been happening:

– Offer to go over

– He replies with fine, if you want too (been having issues/arguments about everything lately)

– I make a consious decision to go over in the morning as soon as I can so that I can maximize how long i am there.

– I set alarms.

– I head to bed at a not rediculous time – last night it was before 11 – but probably closer to 1130 when I actually fell asleep.

– I have rough night of tossing and turning (which has been the norm lately. Nightmares and stuff on a regular basis)

– I SLEEP THROUGH MY ALARMS

– J calls around 10am. Says that he figured I wouldn’t be up. Mentions that I would be on time if it was something “I” wanted to do, like going to Regina or something of the like.  He says he is frustrated, getting fed up with the same thing happening over and over. Says that he doesnt know what I want him to tell me.

I never know what to say either. I planned to get up. I set alarms. I didnt stay up until 1am. I made a concious decission to go to his house in teh morning. I even drempt about going to his house.

YET I SLEPT THE FUCK IN.

I don’t know why. I dont know how to fix it. I dont know what to do to make it better. He says he still loves me but is headed to the end of his rope. I dont know what to do to make this better or insure it doesnt keep happening.

Maybe if I take my meds at like 4pm.

Maybe if I set even more alarms then the 5 I have.

Maybe if I dont go to bed I wont have to worry about missing the bus all the time.

Then again – Maybe I should just curl into a ball and die. That is really tempting.