Shit hitting the fan? or.. Just a normal day In my world (WARNING -RANT POST)

Today… This week… This month… This year… FUCKING HELL.

Whats been going on with J:

J has been helping me pay my cc bill. We went to Orlando in January, which was fine. Then we both kinda lived on it for a while before that? (Christmas time). Anyways – my cc has been maxed. He has been making payments and in return I have been helping him out at job sites. Supposed to be a fair trade. Apparenlty it isn’t.

He keeps telling me that his company has to not have profits so that he can pay my cc. That he is having to support me and has to do all this explaining and excuse making to his parents about where his money is going. That its a big burden on him to have to help me pay my cc, and my groceries, etc.

While I appreciate the help, if it is that big of a deal – Stop. I will figure out a way on my own to pay my debts. I will cut corners, do something that I can to make it work. Ive been in tough situations before, and I can do it again. If it is making things so hard on you – please stop. I dont want to be a burden or a trial.

Im not working right now. I am on disability. I am trying to get my body and mind back to a place where i might be able to work – as in I arranged for 2 differnt volunteer positions. I asked to go to them myself. A big step. I donno if I am ready to go back to work. The thought of it makes me start to sweat, my breath speeds up, my throat closes and the world starts to grey around the edges. Every job I have ever had – I have had issues. I have issues with people in authority. Issues with standing up for myself. Issues with people using me. I also have issues saying when – so i put myself in situations where I cannot handle it and physically get sick.

I am currently working thought the DBT workbook. I am hoping that it will work and I will gain some help and knowledge out of it. It has worked for so many people – but it is extremely hard to do. it makes you look so hard at everything that is wrong with who you are as a person. Somedays i can only do a page or two before the anxiaty and depression gets so bad I have to quit.

I also havent been showering. I just cannot be bothered to do so. Then when I do think about it, im in a hurry or supposed to be going somewhere so there is no time. I also dont have an appitite. So I can go a whole day and not realize that I havent eaten.

This past year and a bit – I have gone through so much. Admitting I need help. Asking for it. Taking the time off work to try to get re-medicated. Applying for disability. Signing myself up for Lifeskills to try and learn what I am lacking. Nickel. Fighting with J. Getting Asher. Finishing lifeskills and still not feeling ready enough to WORK. So I am volunteering. Still trying to get out of the house. Still trying to get out and help J when he needs it. PUSHING myself to continue to do things even when I am feeling so drained, antisocial and freaked out that I want to hide for a week.

I feel.. that there are communication issues between J and I. He will mention he is doing something.. then ask if I have any plans. When I say no… he says OK. He doesnt actually ASK me if I would like to come over, or if I would like to hang out. He just asks if I have any plans, and when I say – “No today my plans so far are to stay home ” he says “alright:. Apparently in reality when he is asking me what I have planned, he is really wanting me to spend time with him. But I cannot know that! Today he mentioned he wanted to make meatloaf. I said that sounds yummy. Why dont you make it sunday and I will come over? He replied with Sunday is left overs. I responded with AWWW. When we were leaving coffee he asked if i was walking home. I said I guess so. Then we parted ways. Apparenlty somewhere in there was an invitiation for me to go home with him and have meatloaf. And that I have been avoiding him and not wanting to do anything for months. IM sorry? I dont realize when I am getting hermititus – and how much it affects people if they dont talk to me.

He is angry I am not working. Angry that I am on disabilty and he cannot tell his parents about it. Angry that I have been antisocial. Angry that I am flaky and what I am able to do energywise changes from day to day. He seems to be put out that I am talking to my brother daily. I dont get it. He talks to many people all the time.

He says I don’t have a set plan. That he has been asking for one for months. Thing is… My plan is actually – one day at a time. It goes something like this. “Wake up”. Today I am going to shower and do the dishes. That is it. That is the TOTAL plan for the day. Once those things are done – anything extra is a bonus. The next day is the exact same thing. I wake up. Make a goal. Complete the goal. Or at least try. No chance to fail if they only goal you have for the day is to get out of bed. (Somedays I cannot even complete this goal)

J asks me all the time to lie to his parents. To pretend that I am working. That things are all going good on that front. He doesnt want me to tell them about my disability, or my mental illness. He says that they will rag on him. Say things like “Oh you got another dud” and  “Another one that looks good on the surface but isnt underneath”. The fact that they would think this is an issue – but the fact that he woudl let it bother him.. thats a whole different can of worms. It makes me feel like he is ashamed about this part of me. This big, huge, life altering part of who I am. The one I alwasy struggle with. The one that makes up 90% of my personality. The part that I have been struggling with since I was 5 yerars old. I mean./… I am working on changing it… but there is only so much you can change when you have only just fully admitted how much was going wrong and how much you were hiding away. I mean.. I was fucking suicidal. Now I am currently not. THAT IS A BIG DEAL TO ACOMPLISH. I may not be all kittens and unicorns but – I am willing to fucking fight back now.

One thing that gets to me is him asking what is causing it, or why. I dont know what exactly set off my axiaty at any given time. Sometimes I do. I will admit that sometimes I do. But other times? When I am just minding my own business and then so overwhelmingly terrified about EVERYTHIGN in the world? I dont know why that happens. Apparently my “distraction” tecniques are not subtle. I count using my fingers… I mutter under my breath. I will sit and stare into space as I try and get through – whatever is ending my world at that time. My thoughts? I am trying. That is what matters to me.

So I have had a big case of the Hermititus lately. I havent wanted to go out. Havent wanted to visit people. Havent wanted to do much but stare at the wall and pet my dog. I am sorry. Im trying to get motovated about things. I really am.

I have recenly set up a volunteer positon with the help of the CHMA. A second one. At a new place. Where I have never been before. Doing stuff I have never done before. By myself with no one I know there. I am freaked the fuck out. BUT IT IS A STEP FORWARD. I am going to go on Monday. I will make it to the set time and I will try and stay for 1 hour. If I can do that?  it should be a wonderful feeling.

VOLUNTEERING – a way for me to get my feet back in the waters of community living. Of community involvement. Of the potential of eventually leading me back to a job somewhere. Big steps. Important steps. HARD steps.

This year has been the year of CONSTANT med changes. I had taken myself off my medication (with doctors supervision) – to see what it was like. If I coudl function without the medication. If I could accept the challenge. And yo know what happend? I went Manic. Big time. I took on a second job. I worked 18 hour days then went home and stayed up. I8 spent money. I kept upping my cc. i made big plans, and big promises. Then I crashed. The crash started physically this time. Chest pain. Inablity to get a full breath. Sweats and the shakes. I ended up in the hospital for almost 10 days. They couldnt find a thing wrong with me. Other then they figured I needed to go back and see my psychiatrist. Which I did. I got back on medications. I got a new psychiatrist. I went on disabilty and stopped working. I crashed and went into a deep and long depression. Then I went manic again. Not sleeping for days on end. Constant irritiblity. Anger.

More meds. Lifeskills. More meds. Changes in meds. Changes to a different kind of medication. Still currently in the middle of a set of medication adjustments. Still alive. Still trying to meet a goal a day.

I applied for the SAID program. Its a specific disabilty program where I live that will allow me more security. It is geared towards those people that have a life long disabilty. That will acknowledge that some weeks I may be able to go out and get a job… but it may be just as likely that I only make it as far as my kitchen. A program where if things are going well I can make a little bit more before they deduct from my amount. Insures that if I were to get an inheritance of some sort I can use it – instead of being penilized for it. Basically a great program that I think will make my burdens a lot lighter. Only issue – It takes time. Time to apply. Time to wait for a response. Time to do a seconday interview. Time to wait for the applicaiton proccess to complete. Time to wait for approval. Time seems to be the one thing that J feels I dont have. Sigh.

I donno. I just – dont feel good enough. I dont feel like he is happy – with me, with us, with my being on disabilty. I dont want to give in and go back to work before I am ready … but I fear I might just to make him happy with me again. I donno. Hopeflully he will come to my donna appointment. Maybe we can talk about things some. I hope so.

I better go to bed. No I didnt spell check. No I didnt proof read. It is an emotional ramble. Deal with it.

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