Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try – you are never good enough?

My bf claims that he tells me stuff or we discuss things and I NEVER follow through. Like making lists before going to the doctor’s appointments.

I know that this would probably be a task that would be beneficial to me. That knowing what my concerns are and having them all written down before I go to an appointment should allow for less stress and flusterment when the actual appointment occurs. I know this. Logically it is a sound practice and it is within reason that I should be able to do this. And I do… Sometimes.

I tend to forget, or focus on the details that apparently are not the important ones. That I don’t appreciate or follow the things I have agreed would be good to do. I’m human. I am not perfect – and I have a mental illness that kind of gaurentees that I will focus on the little things and only be able to focus on the one thing at a time.

This means that on a fairly regular basis I will become lost and confused with no idea where the path I am following was supposed to be destined to take me. I just look up and realize that I focused on the small item again and lost complete track of the end goal – so much so usually that I have no idea what the end goal actually was.

I know I have this flaw. I state that I have this flaw and that I work through things to the best of my ability… but I still get the “Why aren’t you doing what we talked about you doing months ago?” speech. The “Why can’t you just pick up and go back to work? You have been off work for long enough right? I mean.. you don’t have to be disabled by your mental illness” I also hear things like “Why can’t you just do this” or “What is the matter? Do you not have this random multistepped thing done yet?” “What do you mean you are panicing about the routine meeting tomorrow… it is routine and there will proabably be very VERY little chance of anything bad happening from it”

The answer to all of these questions are I DON”T KNOW.

I don’t know why I forget the simplest thing but remember the complex and obscure. I don’t know why I have panic attacks over everyday issues that I have encountered a million times before – yet this time it seems like the world is going to end. I do not know why I am not better. Why I am not fully functional. Why we haven’t discovered the right amount/combination of medications; so I have to keep continuing to do medication changes which fuck me up for weeks on end. I don’t KNOW.

I do know I try. I try and stay focused and remember to do things one step at a time. I try and keep my mind focused on the bigger picture and not the edge of the puzzle. I do try to impliment the ideas and tricks that we come up with that might help with things – though most of the time they get lost in the shuffle/mess of my mind. I try to communicate how I am feeling and explain to the best of my ability why/how/when I am freaking out about something or having a really rough time.

I made a comment today saying I wish you could medicate for intrinsic core personality flaws – and the response I got was you can’t – but you can continue to slowly try and UNLEARN the habbits and thought processes that keep you locked in the pattern.

I hope so. I hope that one day I will be able to go to a doctors appointment or a meeting without being sick to my stomach before hand. I hope I can learn the skills to help me process things in the “correct” order and not dwell on the unimportant. I hope I ca retain the memory of that which is important and force the little things into my life that will help me do these things.

I was “prescribed” the DBT workbook today. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Specifically geared towards people suffering from and living with Borderline Personality Disorder. This thing is specifically geared towards teaching people like me how to live. I am hoping it will work.

I don’t remember where I was going with this post.

C’est la vive.

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