how do I do it?

 

How do you make this choice? How do you make a decision that is going to hurt you beyond belief. He looks so happy. I know he is sick, but how do you do make that distinction between the love he has for you, and the suffering he is doing because of the love he has for you.

He still chases his ball. He still licks my face and showers me with kisses. He eats carrots faster then he can get them. His eyes… they look at me. With love. With pain. With knowledge. He knows. He accepts.

I cannot accept it. I cannot live with this choice. My baby. My boy. How do I CHOOSE to say goodbye before I am ready.

His kidneys. They are slowly killing him. He is deteriorating from the  inside out. Slowly dying of his bodies cells and their lack of water.

He smiles. He sighs. He can’t… survive. He cant… get better. Its just a matter of time.

“..At home, naturally would he horrific, and hard for you…” – “Its better to do it, calm. before hurting. “

do i say goodbye. Do I let him go while he still has that smile. That life still in his eyes. But he knows… Goddess he knows.

He has known for weeks, months even. He has slowly been trying to tell me. To let me understand. To let me grapple with my fears, my denial. I still am not ready. I am still not convinced.

I still need him.

I am horrible. Selfish. Cruel even. But for just a little bit longer, just a little bit more… I need him.

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